Am I crazy??

I recently had a couple of friends post honest, deep blogs about themselves and it made me realize it's ok to admit that everything is not perfect, and we don't always have to be the hero. It's given me the balls to make my own confession which is hard for me, especially since one thing I'm really good at is pretending that problems aren't there.

I once learned in one of my psychology classes that 5 main external causes of stress are:

1. moving

2. change in family dynamics (death, addition, divorce, etc)

3. health problems

4. change or work

5. financial problems

As I was thinking about this, I realized- MAN! No wonder I'm going crazy!

1. We moved across the country from everyone we loved, and everything we knew. I'll be straight forward: I'm homesick!! I miss family and friends like I didn't know I could. We're starting to make new friends, and get better acquainted with our surroundings, but the transition is slow for reasons I'll explain later.

2. We are very grateful that none of our relatives or friends have died, and I am so grateful that I'm still happily married to my best friend. A week after we moved here I got really sick and thought- man, I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant... Turns out we are expecting our second child in September! After the initial shock, we're excited about it and realized that this is how God wants it, and it's a blessing.

3. Well I try hard to think of it as a blessing, but I don't always succeed. When I'm laying on the floor unable to move because I'm sick and exhausted while Cambry plays around me it's hard to think that I'm an awesome mom, when I'm struggling to meet her most basic needs. If I don't move very much and if I keep up my diet of crackers and dairy, I can suppress the nausea for the most part, but I feel like such a loafer. Exercise has always been vital to me, and I keep comparing myself to last pregnancy when I was sick, but exercised anyway, and rocked a six pack until about 16 weeks and didn't start showing until about 21 weeks. I'm 12 weeks and already have a pooch and feel like I need to bring out the maternity clothes. Also, it's hard to make new friends when the last thing in the world I want to do is entertain, and I don't want to accept dinner invites either because I'm afraid I'll dry heave as soon as I smell the kitchen (I'm pretty sure puking in someone's entry way is NOT the best way to make good first impressions).

4. I went from working full time for several years to a stay at home mom when Cambry was born which i knew immediately was the right decision for me. Most people deal with the transition when the transition happens. But like I said- I pretend problems/change aren't there- I even fooled myself. I didn't face the change and focused only on how much I love Cambry. Now, 9 months later, I love Cambry more than ever, but these suppressed feelings of how much I liked working are surfacing. I realized that it's ok to like to work. I'm focusing on funneling that passion to work into working in the home (slowly since my energy is minimal). I've been doing a lot of reading in the scriptures and of LDS women who struggled with being a stay at home mom and what they did to love their role. It's helping to know I'm not the only woman that had a hard time embracing their role, and I think some day I'll be grateful for my identity struggle.

5. Although Devin and I are proud to say we have accumulated VERY little debt from our combined total of 10 years of college and we do have a steady income (even if it's not very much), we have never been on a tighter budget, especially since we want to get back home once in awhile, and we're planning for a new baby. We are learning to do without a lot of things we've previously thought we needed. Devin is especially good at being a tight wad, which is fantastic right now (if it were up to him, we'd probably all be eating crackers and dairy since it's cheaper than real meals).

When I look back at all the hard times I've had, I can see how those experiences have strengthened my character. Sometimes I can feel God's hand molding me and know He is hasn't left me alone. That doesn't mean that I like feeling like I'm coming apart at the seams, but I feel peace that heaven isn't far away and I have hope in the future that I'll be a stronger person and better instrument to do what God wants me to do next.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I don't want this to be a total downer- especially if this is how you're finding out that I'm pregnant. I hope no one thinks that I'm suicidally depressed (although if it brings me a visitor, I'll take it- kidding.. kind of). I had a good cry as I wrote this- which I don't let myself do enough, and already feel much better. I know I won't make a habit of this, but it feels good to get my feelings out there.