Am I crazy??

I recently had a couple of friends post honest, deep blogs about themselves and it made me realize it's ok to admit that everything is not perfect, and we don't always have to be the hero. It's given me the balls to make my own confession which is hard for me, especially since one thing I'm really good at is pretending that problems aren't there.

I once learned in one of my psychology classes that 5 main external causes of stress are:

1. moving

2. change in family dynamics (death, addition, divorce, etc)

3. health problems

4. change or work

5. financial problems

As I was thinking about this, I realized- MAN! No wonder I'm going crazy!

1. We moved across the country from everyone we loved, and everything we knew. I'll be straight forward: I'm homesick!! I miss family and friends like I didn't know I could. We're starting to make new friends, and get better acquainted with our surroundings, but the transition is slow for reasons I'll explain later.

2. We are very grateful that none of our relatives or friends have died, and I am so grateful that I'm still happily married to my best friend. A week after we moved here I got really sick and thought- man, I haven't felt like this since I was pregnant... Turns out we are expecting our second child in September! After the initial shock, we're excited about it and realized that this is how God wants it, and it's a blessing.

3. Well I try hard to think of it as a blessing, but I don't always succeed. When I'm laying on the floor unable to move because I'm sick and exhausted while Cambry plays around me it's hard to think that I'm an awesome mom, when I'm struggling to meet her most basic needs. If I don't move very much and if I keep up my diet of crackers and dairy, I can suppress the nausea for the most part, but I feel like such a loafer. Exercise has always been vital to me, and I keep comparing myself to last pregnancy when I was sick, but exercised anyway, and rocked a six pack until about 16 weeks and didn't start showing until about 21 weeks. I'm 12 weeks and already have a pooch and feel like I need to bring out the maternity clothes. Also, it's hard to make new friends when the last thing in the world I want to do is entertain, and I don't want to accept dinner invites either because I'm afraid I'll dry heave as soon as I smell the kitchen (I'm pretty sure puking in someone's entry way is NOT the best way to make good first impressions).

4. I went from working full time for several years to a stay at home mom when Cambry was born which i knew immediately was the right decision for me. Most people deal with the transition when the transition happens. But like I said- I pretend problems/change aren't there- I even fooled myself. I didn't face the change and focused only on how much I love Cambry. Now, 9 months later, I love Cambry more than ever, but these suppressed feelings of how much I liked working are surfacing. I realized that it's ok to like to work. I'm focusing on funneling that passion to work into working in the home (slowly since my energy is minimal). I've been doing a lot of reading in the scriptures and of LDS women who struggled with being a stay at home mom and what they did to love their role. It's helping to know I'm not the only woman that had a hard time embracing their role, and I think some day I'll be grateful for my identity struggle.

5. Although Devin and I are proud to say we have accumulated VERY little debt from our combined total of 10 years of college and we do have a steady income (even if it's not very much), we have never been on a tighter budget, especially since we want to get back home once in awhile, and we're planning for a new baby. We are learning to do without a lot of things we've previously thought we needed. Devin is especially good at being a tight wad, which is fantastic right now (if it were up to him, we'd probably all be eating crackers and dairy since it's cheaper than real meals).

When I look back at all the hard times I've had, I can see how those experiences have strengthened my character. Sometimes I can feel God's hand molding me and know He is hasn't left me alone. That doesn't mean that I like feeling like I'm coming apart at the seams, but I feel peace that heaven isn't far away and I have hope in the future that I'll be a stronger person and better instrument to do what God wants me to do next.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I don't want this to be a total downer- especially if this is how you're finding out that I'm pregnant. I hope no one thinks that I'm suicidally depressed (although if it brings me a visitor, I'll take it- kidding.. kind of). I had a good cry as I wrote this- which I don't let myself do enough, and already feel much better. I know I won't make a habit of this, but it feels good to get my feelings out there.

The weather in Raleigh has been unbelievable warm. I keep waiting for it to snow or freeze over, but we keep having days in the high 60's and low 70's. For some reason against all statistics, I always expected February in Utah to be like this, but obviously it never was. So, we've been enjoying February in North Carolina and I think being outside in fresh air is helping Cambers get healthier faster. We found this little ghetto swing that Cambry loves (therefore I love) at a little park nearby. There are SOOO many parks here! I love it! and so does Cambry.

Per requests from my mom who's missing her granddaughter, I've posted more little videos.

#1 Cambry swinging

#2 Cambry army crawling

#3 Stinker that's learned to pull herself up in her crib, but doesn't know how to get down. So I put her down for the night or a nap and she's already tired, but then she pulls herself up and just stands there crying. Suggestions?

she's so pleased with herself when she's standing there all by herself. Gotta love her.

New trick, sad eyes

The last few days my little Cambers has been sick and quite miserable. It's my first experience having a sick child and there are few things more awful. As a mom, you want to do everything you can for your child, but it's such a helpless feeling knowing there's nothing you can do but hold your angel as she cries all night. She's still so cute and tries to play and cruise around, even though she's pretty weak.

On the upside though, yesterday Devin got his guitar out and played an upbeat song and Cambry started clapping right along in perfect rhythm. I have been trying to teach her to clap for MONTHS and she always jerks her hands away or just looks at me. She's never done it on her own. Just another example that she does things on her time not mine. We got a short clip of her clapping after the BYU vs Utah basketball game (she's already a coug!).

My beautiful cousin Bethany that lives in Charlotte, NC w/ her parents that are the Mission Presidents, was in Cary for her swim meet. We're missing having family so close, so it was good to be with family. I love how Cambry seriously could not take her eyes off of Beth

Trip to the Aquarium

When we took trip out to New Bern to visit Joslyn's Brother's family, we didn't get any pictures because we're not very good at remembering our camera. One of the highlights of this trip was the aquarium. Courtesy of our sister-in-law, Missy, we do have some picutres of the trip now.

Cambry loved seeing all of the fishes, frogs, lobsters and other sea creatures. Here she is check out the sting rays.

We let her try petting the sting rays, but forgot to wash her hand immediately. She tried sucking her thumb and was so digusted by the salty taste.

Here's our family by the big tank with sharks, turtles and tons of fish. Cambry loved banging on the glass and shouting at the fish.

Look at our cute little crab!

After all that excitement, Cambry was all tuckered out. Look at how exhausted she looks in that stroller.

After the aquarium, we went to Fort Macon. This was a fort used during the civil war by the confederate army. It was lots of fun to run around the fort with Jake and Missy's kids and playing hide and go seek.

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Goose Hunt

It's been like spring here lately, and we've been enjoying the outdoors a lot. Cambry and I went to a pond just by our home that is inhabited by angry geese. I was pushing Cambry in the stroller around the pond and the geese would honk at us and get out of our way. Cambry was flapping her little chubby arms like she was trying to fly after the geese. I picked her up, and ran with her towards the flock as we forced the honkers to fly into the pond. Her squeals of excitement made it worth all the goose poop i later found on my shoes.

It was such a beautiful day on Saturday, we went to a local park with a lake to play. We took tons of pics, but Cambry was so fascinated with the seagulls that she couldn't take her eyes off them... till we found the ducks.

Our first weekend in NC, we went to an aquarium on the coast with my bro Jake, SIL Missy and their kids. We saw this fish called the Queensland Grouper or "Lurk and Lunge." Immediately that name stuck with me when I think of how Cambry hunts...

Lurk...

...and Lunge.

Hey y'all from City of Oaks

We've been testing out the waters for a few weeks and have decided that Raleigh is pretty awesome. One reason is on New Year's Eve they drop this giant acorn down town to bring in the New Year. We're excited to see it in action in 2012.

We sold most of our furniture before we moved, so for the first week we improvised a whole bunch. The Beck blew out her birthday candles in camping like conditions. What a good sport.

The dining room/The Beck's bedroom

Cambry is rarely content just being. She's always trying to stretch her limits of "what else" she can see/do. Upside down is her current favorite.

People in our ward have been so great to help us pick up furniture we've found. A guy drove his truck with Devin an hour round trip to get our washer and dryer to our home and they carried it up to our 3rd story apartment. who knew that would be the easy part... The door where the washer and dryer goes is 2 FEET WIDE!! 24 inches! REALLY?? Devin spent his entire day Saturday completely disassembling it so it could fit through that ridiculous door frame. When he was about 2/3 of the way done, he said to me, "This is a little inconvenient taking this apart, but it is REALLY interesting to see all the inter-workings of a washer and dryer." Just another reminder that my husband is an engineer through and through.

We're now fully furnished and happy to be settled in. It's nice to know that wherever we are, Cambry's favorite toys are still delivered to our home (junk mail).

Seriously! Aren't her thigh rolls so dang cute!! I can't even stand it!

This is the first time Cambry has fallen asleep on me since she was about 5 weeks old. So glad it was documented. She didn't sleep for very long, and when I woke up, she was giggling at me like it was the funniest thing in the world to wake up to my nostrils... Don't blame her.

Cambry's favorite past time is running around our apartment. This is after she's already taken 20 minutes of laps. She's usually A LOT faster. She is such a joy to us and are so grateful for all the smiles she brings to us.

Chirstmas and Farewells

Wow. This all seems so long ago. Amazing how moving across the country distorts your perception of time. Anyway, we really enjoyed our last month in Utah.

With the cold weather, Joslyn wanted to make sure that Cambry was warm enough. She found this pink treasure at a thrift shop... the snow suit, not the baby. Cambry sure does look precious in it.

We wanted to enjoy the snow while we were still in Utah. We went skiing and snowshoeing. We won't miss the cold, but we will the fun snow activities. Cool hat, Jess.

I performed at my last MacJam (a monthly neighborhood open mic night). Neal joined me to perform some of our originals from high school. It was fun from us,but probably torture for the audience.

Little Cambers is so much fun. She loves playing peek-a-boo with mom.

I got to celebrate my birthday with my family before we left. It was so fun for me to spend time with them. As usual, Noelle and I got to share a birthday cake.

With all the added family time, Ava and Cambry became good friends. It was so fun to watch them interact. Too bad we had to move away. Hopefully, they can resume that friendship when we come to visit.

We were lucky enough to have tickets to MoTab Christmas concert. Jamie and Michelle joined us for the evening. It was an enjoyable evening.

Of course, we had to see the lights at temple square before we left.

In the colder weather, when Joslyn takes Cambry for walks, she just zips her up in my ski coat. It is so cute!

On Christmas Eve, we busted Cambry under the Christmas tree opening one of her presents early.

Cambry loved her 1st Christmas. She was so good at opening presents.

Look at this little gift that we got this year. We have loved watching Cambry grow. She has been a special little blessing for us this year.

While staying at the Beck and Greg's house. Cambry got to bathe in the sink. She loved it so much that we kept bathing her in the sink out here.

Well, now that we're caught up on what has happened before we left, we'll make a post soon of what has happened out here.